Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Recovery and healing
To me there is nothing fascinating about a person who is evil. There is nothing special about a person who hurts everyone that is “nearest and dearest” to them. Maybe people are fascinated because they understand so little about these ruthless individuals. I doubt they have been the victim of one or targeted. If they were, they would not be so fascinated with them.
Sociopaths are bad people. They have bad intentions. They are aware of the misery they cause, yet they don't give a damn.
I don't like to call myself a victim of a narcissistic sociopath. I prefer to think I am a survivor.
It has taken some time to heal, and recover, but I like to think I have come a long way from where I was about 7 years ago. None of it has been easy, there was a time when I believed that nothing would ever be “ok” again. I was completely hopeless. I felt that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was so lost I even questioned my own morals, wondering what did I do, there has to be an explanation why someone would do these awful things to me.
I have suffered. I admit I have felt like nothing mattered anymore. Because of my bad decision to marry a snake, my life would never be happy, I would never find peace.
What happened to me?
I have felt just about every emotion one can feel. I was depressed, then I was angry. I was exhausted mentally and physically. I was hopeless. I was scared, alone, and living in fear.
I have been through it all. I have had to really look at myself, my real self. I didn't always see what I liked. What my ex sociopath did isn't important to me anymore. The things I lost are no longer important to me either.
What matters most to me is the here and the now. I continue to take things one day at a time.
Once I stopped feeling like a was a victim and I started looking at myself, I learned that I was responsible for myself and my feelings. It is up to me to establish boundaries with people, and walk away from people and situations that make me feel belittled and taken advantage of. What has happened in the past is over and done. Can't change any of that. But I can learn from it all. No matter how much I do not like what I have been through, I do believe there is a bigger learning experience in it. Eveything happened the way it happened because that was the way it was meant to be. It really is what it is.
Accepting that everything that happens, happens so for a reason, and even though I don't know what that reason is, I have to trust that it is the way it is suppose to be.
Trusting that everything is the way it is suppose to be, is what made me realize that I do not have to be a victim anymore.
Being a victim was a not a choice, but being a survivor is.
I know now I AM NOT THE PERSON I use to be. I am much more than the person I use to be. I am stronger now, I have lived through something that forced me to look at myself, my flaws, my insecurities, and as ugly as they were at times, there was a reason I had to go through this.